Zero to Awkward in Sixty Seconds
by yaphi1
Summary: Fox plans a party as an excuse to talk to Krystal.  The word "fiasco" isn't strong enough to describe the result…  Note: If you haven't played Star Fox 64, you might not get some of the references.


Fox McCloud stood at the counter, arranging chips and dip for what was about to be the worst party in the history of the Lylat System. Peppy and Slippy sat on the couch, watching a football game on their huge plasma TV. The Hares were playing the Tortoises, and Peppy looked ready to kill something.

"Fox," said Slippy, "is Falco going to stay in his room all night?"

"I'll go talk to him," said Fox, putting a two-liter bottle of Dr. General Pepper next to the punch bowl and going into Falco's room.

Falco had his laptop open and his headphones on. He seemed to be watching the game. Fox tapped him on the shoulder.

Falco let out an exasperated sigh. "What do you want?"

"Less of your pissy attitude," said Fox, "but that's a conversation for another time."

"I guess I should be laughing," said Falco, dryly.

"Why are you watching the game by yourself?" asked Fox.

The corner of Falco's mouth curled in that sarcastic grin of his that made Fox want to punch him. "Take a look." Fox followed Falco's gaze out into the living room.

Peppy sat on the edge of his seat, gripping the popcorn bowl like a life preserver. "Go… go… go… go… go… USE THE BOOST TO GET THROUGH!" He sprang to his feet, sending up a shower of popcorn. The bowl landed on Slippy's head.

"That's why," said Falco.

Fox was not fooled. "Something's bothering you."

"Nothing's bothering me."

"You have that look on your face," said Fox. "Is it Katt?"

"Why does everyone think I like Katt?" whined Falco. "She's a cat, and I'm a bird. Cats eat birds. What kind of raving idiot do you have to be to like someone who wants to eat you?"

Bella Swan cleared her throat. "I'm _right here_."

Fox shot Falco a quizzical look. "Did you invite her?"

Falco looked just as confused as Fox. "No."

"I climbed in through the window," said Bella.

"Listen," said Fox. "Regardless of what your creepy one-hundred-year-old stalker murderer vampire boyfriend might tell you, climbing in people's windows is not okay. And another thing…"

"Fox," said Falco, under his breath, "I've got this one." Clearing his throat, he reached back and pressed an orange button labeled GTFO. A hole opened up in the floor and swallowed Bella.

"That takes care of that," said Fox. "Now back to our conversation…"

"Too late," said Falco. "Everyone's here."

Fox turned around and saw a flood of guests entering the apartment. "Oh no. Krystal's here." Fox grabbed Falco's shoulders. "How's my hair?" He shoved Falco away and grabbed a mirror. "Venom blast it! I knew I should have gelled my ears! And oh, great… I have a zit. Falco, I have a zit. I'm having a crisis here."

"Fox, get a hold of yourself!"

"You don't understand!"

"Fox, seriously…"

"MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING BEFORE MY EYES!"

Pow. Falco hit Fox with a solid backhand to the face. "Control yourself."

Fox took a deep breath. "You're right. I'll be fine. I just have to go out there, and say what I practiced." Fox puffed out his chest and marched forward.

Falco grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him back. "You _practiced_? You mean you have lines prepared?"

"Just a few," said Fox.

"Let's hear them," said Falco.

"No," said Fox. "You'll make me feel stupid about them, and then I'll lose my confidence."

"What confidence? You're hiding behind a door."

"Screw you," said Fox. "You're just ragging on me because you're too chicken to face your own issues." Fox set his jaw and looked out at the living room. It was flooded with guests who were talking, laughing and dancing. Slippy was on DJ duty, and Peppy had his eyes glued to the television. Krystal was standing by the punch bowl. With one last deep breath, Fox steeled his nerve and left Falco's room. "It's time to take my prize."

Fox approached the counter and then veered away at the last second. Talking to Falco had left him frazzled; he couldn't remember his lines. He let out a noise that was half growl and half sigh. Why did this have to be so difficult? If only he could remember his lines…

"Hey there, stranger," said Krystal.

Uh oh. Too late. It's showtime. "Uh… hey… you know… um…"

Krystal giggled.

Fox felt his face burning. "What I meant to say was… uh… woooo… okay… so let's start this over, shall we? You know, just wooooop hit the rewind button, right? Heh, just kidding… okay wow…"

Krystal smiled. "Foxie, you don't have to—"

"Okay, I've got this," said Fox. "You make Solar look like Katina… I mean… Fortuna… I mean… which one's the snowy one?"

"Huh?"

Fox could feel the conversation plunging into disaster, but still he plowed on. "I think it's Fortuna, heh… yeah…"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean… because Solar is all lava and fire, right? So it's really hot… but compared to you, it looks like the snowy place…" Fox felt his insides shriveling. How could he have thought this was a good idea?

Krystal tried to stifle a laugh. "That's… nice…"

Fox wanted to throw himself into a bottomless pit. He had reached the top of the awkwardness ladder with his first half-sentence, and now he was just defying gravity. When would the agony end?

"Listen, Fox," said Krystal, "there's been something I've been meaning to tell you."

Fox closed his eyes. It was now or never. "No, you listen. Krystal, I'd like to take you out. N-no, that's not what I meant… I didn't mean 'take you out' the way I'd take out an enemy base. I meant I want to take you out… like… on a date."

Krystal opened her mouth to speak. Just then, the front door burst open.

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox," came a familiar voice.

Fox bared his teeth. "Star Wolf."

The party guests went silent. Wolf O'Donnell and his team fanned out so that all four of them were standing in a line.

"Peppy," said Pigma, "long time no see."

"Not now," said Peppy. "The game's still going."

Pigma sneered. "I bet the Hares will scream reeeeeeal good when they LOSE!"

Peppy said nothing, but Fox knew Pigma had made a big mistake. It was only a matter of time before Pigma paid the price.

"Some party this is," said Leon, taking a tiny bite of a chip and tossing it aside with distaste. "You didn't have the sense to buy real hors d'oeuvres."

"You weren't invited," said Fox.

Leon dismissed Fox's comment with an effeminate wave. "Annoying bird, I am the great León!"

"I don't care who you are," said Fox. "If I wanted to invite a second-rate pop princess, I would have called Justin Bieber."

"Who are you calling a princess?" demanded Leon, rolling up his glitter encrusted sleeves.

Andrew stepped up next to Leon and flexed his arms in what was probably supposed to be a threatening gesture. "Aaaaaandross's enemy… is myyyyyy enemy!"

There was silence. No one in the room had been prepared for the jet stream of nasal agony that was Andrew's voice.

Wolf closed his eyes as if begging for patience. "Andrew… what did I tell you about speaking?"

Before Andrew could answer, a cheese puff arced through the air and bounced off his head. Up at the DJ station, Slippy raised his arms in victory. "I got one!"

Andrew ran up to where Slippy was standing and tackled him.

"Fox!" cried Slippy. "Get this guy off me!"

"Do your own fighting for a change!" spat Fox.

Several of the party guests rushed to Slippy's aid, and the area around the DJ equipment dissolved into a brawl. Pigma and Leon ran to join the fight, upending several bowls of snacks in the process.

"It's time for me to take what's mine," said Wolf.

"Krystal isn't your property," said Fox.

"Guys…" said Krystal.

Wolf grabbed a cup of soda and splashed it in Fox's face.

Fox threw his arms up in annoyance. "What was that for?"

"It's because you're full of yourself," said Wolf with a mirthless chuckle. "You see, Fox, you're good… but I'm—"

"DO A BARREL ROLL!"

"What the heck?" Wolf turned sideways just in time to be too late. Peppy's flying kick connected with his face and knocked him flat.

Peppy stood over Wolf, breathing hard and pointing violently. "When I tell you to do a barrel roll, you do a barrel roll! Do you understand me?"

"Listen, Fox…" said Krystal, leaning closer to be heard over the din of the battle.

Peppy ran off to join the main fight. The Sector Y boss had shown up unannounced and was now screaming "Cocky little freaks!" at anyone who went within ten feet of him. Andrew had Slippy in a wrestling hold, and Leon was pelting them both with cheese puffs.

"No, Krystal," said Fox. "You don't have to say it. Your eyes have already told me the whole story. I know you want me. I know—"

"Actually, Fox…"

"I understand," said Fox. "You've been holding it in for so long, but it's okay… I feel the same way…"

Krystal closed her eyes. "I like Falco."

"WHAT?" Fox buried his face in his hands. How had everything gone so wrong? The only reason he even planned this party was so he would have an excuse to talk to Krystal. Instead he had delivered her into Falco's hands, and the party had turned into a disaster. As if to accentuate the point, Slippy ran across the room carrying a chair, which he smashed over Andrew's head with a wild battle cry. Leon was hiding behind a couch, flinching every time someone got hit. Pigma cowered in a corner, bruises on his face looking suspiciously like rabbit paws.

Peppy stood over Pigma, breath coming in ragged gasps as he pointed violently. "When I tell you… to do a barrel roll… you do… a barrel roll. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" Flecks of spit were flying from Peppy's mouth. "WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO A BARREL ROLL, YOU DO A BARREL ROLL!"

Just then, Falco burst into the living room. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"

The room fell silent.

"Fox is right," said Falco. "I _was_ too chicken to face my issues. But no longer! The woman I love is in this room!"

Krystal gasped.

"For too long," continued Falco, "I've remained silent. I've allowed the truth to stay pent up inside me, but the time for that is over. This woman is funny, she's smart, she's gorgeous, and she understands me. I can't hold it in any longer! I love Slippy! I love her! There, I said it!"

Crickets…

Fox cleared his throat. "Uh… '_her_?'"

Falco looked around the room. "What? Why's everyone looking at me like that?"

"You mean '_him_,' right?" said Fox.

Falco's face turned ashen. "Wait. Slippy's a dude?"

* * *

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